As a teenager, I said I didn’t want kids - that I didn’t really like kids. And I didn’t need them. I was going to have a career.
Truth? I thought that they didn’t like me. I was terrified. And I knew they could see the things that I wasn’t willing to see. Little kids especially. They saw me. So I became a high school teacher…
If I were choosing for me…
As I started asking questions, and really getting a sense of what I desired, beyond the projections and expectations of those around me...more and more, I knew that one day, I’d be a mum. A knowing fraught with judgement. I was overweight. Emotionally unstable. How on earth could I take care of a baby? 27 years old, and I was still learning to take care of me. Andy and I spoke about kids. Imagined what it would be like. I said, I’ll lose weight first...fix this, and this, and this first. For a time, it was the inspiration I needed.
I lost a lot of weight - learnt to cook and eat healthily. I still ate chocolate...and ice-cream, but I discovered I loved mushrooms. And asparagus! I rode my bike, and fell off, a lot...but as the wind caught my hair, I felt alive! Every day, I found a little more of myself. Collar bones, and a capacity for choice. Change and transformation.
Then late last year, something clicked. We would do this. Soon. No more waiting for the future we desired...because STUFF.
I was excited.
I told my mum we’d decided to try...and she said ‘It’s easy. Just have sex everyday.’ I replied ‘EVERY day?!!’...but we did, still excited. Every single day for a month. That’s likely more than you wanted to know...but choosing this... inviting this baby into our lives, has created more for us and our relationship than we’d ever imagined. Barriers down. Vulnerable. Grateful. Our will to choose for us has never been greater.
Tomorrow, baby will be 24weeks. Nearly as long as an ear of corn. And every morning, I convince myself that he’s real. We’ve sanded the furniture in the nursery. We’re driving with a carseat now. We have teeny tiny clothes, and rapidly growing hearts, and still, I can hardly believe it.
So I read to baby this morning. Then watched, little kicks, for an hour. I’m going to be a mum.