It's 2pm here. I'm still in my pj's and i'm thinking about taking down our Christmas tree. 2017 is really here!!
2016 was busy, significant, crazy, emotional, magical…all of it! Big!!I I became an Access Bars facilitator. I built a website. I started a business…my business…ME. I resigned from my teaching job, and slowly began playing. An artist. I chose to stop my antidepressants, choosing instead to find the things that made me smile – with all my teeth - which sounds easier than it was. My poor husband. haha But he held my hand through it all.
We’d not long bought a house, which we didn’t really love. But my mum was living with us. It was difficult. After we lost my sister, it became even more challenging, and this house had a granny flat. We just wanted to be happy...to keep everyone else happy...
When we asked what that would take…and really allowed the answers to be, without judgement…we knew that things had to change. I needed to be with the earth…with the trees. Away from the reminders of who I thought I ‘should’ be. Every time we drove past the school, I would panic. I wondered what my colleagues would think…about the students I’d left…who had no idea what had happened. I couldn’t go to the store, for fear that someone would see me – ask how I was. How was I? Really… I didn’t want to tell them too much. I didn’t want to BE too much.Yet there were a few I couldn’t hide from – who offered an ear when I couldn’t say no.
For some, it was too much. I get that. But I’m grateful that they listened, for as long as they could. SO grateful.
I found something in Access Consciousness that I’d never found anywhere else. A feeling…that it would all be okay, even if I didn’t know how. Courage, to choose the things I’d hidden from myself, trying hard to meet the points of view of others.
Then for the first time, we chose for us. We packed up our things…rented out our house, and moved. To the mountain. Toowoomba. To our cottage with a tree. It was winter. And freezing! There was no heating…no fireplace…so we went shopping. ‘Andy! I found it! The perfect one!’…an electric heater that looked like a fireplace. It was beautiful! And did almost nothing! It was cold, but I was so happy. We were just us…with lots of blankets…and a tree.
I spoke to Andy about something I’d thought about – that I’d considered and squashed, because it seemed ridiculously impossible. I wondered if I could be an Certified Facilitator. I spoke. Andy listened. He nodded, and didn’t laugh. He didn’t doubt me the way that I doubted me, and I knew I could do it. Because he knew I could do it.
I felt like there was a light in me. I couldn’t see it, but it was shining. I remember sitting at dinner, after I found out I was shortlisted for Lisa Murray’s internship program, shaking. In shock. Every time I spoke to her, I was nervous. But I did it. And I had the MOST fun!
She asked me to design the cover for her upcoming book and I thought all my Christmas’s had come at once. Then I fell apart in the kitchen, sure I’d forgotten how to draw. Was I a fraud? Why were these people choosing ME? What would it take for me to choose me?
In December this year, I became a Certified Facilitator. With the love and support of my friends, my family, my husband…and me. I was proud of me. Choosing through the nerves. I introduced myself to people. I gave them my card. I received. Real kindness. I sat in the front row…and cried...without making myself wrong. I met 3 of the people who changed mine and Andy's life – who without knowing, had blown all of the expectations we had for 2016 out of the water. I hugged them, and let them hug me. Meeting Gary, Dain and Sarah…was SURREAL for me. I didn’t have the words to say thank you…none that seemed enough. But I cried…again…and I think they could see.
Now I’m home. With Andy. In our cottage with a tree. And everything is quiet.
I’m sitting in a space, that I’ve never felt before…I’m happy. Inspired. Excited. But that’s not necessarily showing up in a way that people can see.
I’m watching all the magicians in my world get busy. Creating. Transforming. And I’m here, just BEing. Like I’m loving it – judging it – confused by it – hiding it.
I’m happy. I am. I’ve never felt so at ease with me, with my body…with everything that IS my reality…with my sister’s choice to commit suicide… I’m cool. Yet I feel like I’m being left behind.
For so long…’sad’ was my story. Sympathy. Struggle. Defying the odds. Now, I’m just happy. SO.FUCKING.GRATEFUL!!!!! And boring?…
…it feels like it…
I wonder if people will people forget me now. Will it matter if they do?...
I don’t think so.
I’m treading water, stuck in the go-slow lane…but I’m here. I’m not there. Because I chose something different. I’ve BEEN change – seen change – and now I have a crazy idea.
Being me – changing the world – gently, magically, BOOM!