If I could feel as fiercely as I love...
How fiercely do you love? I don't know how long this post will be, or if I even have the words to say the things...but it's unravelling. I'm a little wobbly...but how 'bout we wobble together? A few days ago, I saw my psychologist - in the best place I've been in for months. Which is funny... When I began seeing her, I felt strong. Brave. I was as nervous as hell...but i felt like I'd found all my pieces. The people I needed to BE. Ready to tackle a few of my tricky bits...but good. Overall, I was happy! Then I made a mistake. I said the wrong thing... My words were taken, bent and broken. But so was their trust... I couldn't fix it. I tried. I could have killed myself trying. But a million times quicker than I'd found it, my happy fell apart. Everything did. So we didn't look at the tough stuff. Just being...keeping breathing...I saw her weekly. Sometimes twice a week. I fell hard. After feeling like I was holding my breath... worrying, judging, hating myself... Making it to my appointment felt like coming up for air. ***
Yesterday, I was ready. To look at some of the bigger things. 'Feel sad, angry, hurt, responsible... nothing is off limits', she said. Today, I was trying to do my homework...and i noticed... That I'll allow myself to be angry...to a point. But not so angry that I might consider walking away. I'll allow myself to be sad...to a point. But not so sad that I might become a burden. I'll allow myself to be happy...to a point. But not so happy that I might annoy someone. Too much. Because I'm terrified people will leave. Because loving, is the only thing I don't limit. Yesterday, I panicked. My friend - she knew - she texted me. 'You won't lose me Shayna'. I burst into tears. Grateful. Scared. Because I've heard those words before - held onto them. Even as I watched my people pull away. The people I thought would never leave, left. The people I thought I couldn't live without... And I still love. Hard. With everything I am. I wonder... If I felt all the things, as fiercely as I love - without limits... I wonder...if everyone would leave.
