If I could feel as fiercely as I love...

How fiercely do you love? I don't know how long this post will be, or if I even have the words to say the things...but it's unravelling. I'm a little wobbly...but how 'bout we wobble together? A few days ago, I saw my psychologist - in the best place I've been in for months. Which is funny... When I began seeing her, I felt strong. Brave. I was as nervous as hell...but i felt like I'd found all my pieces. The people I needed to BE. Ready to tackle a few of my tricky bits...but good. Overall, I was happy! Then I made a mistake. I said the wrong thing... My words were taken, bent and broken. But so was their trust... I couldn't fix it. I tried. I could have killed myself trying. But a million times quicker than I'd found it, my happy fell apart. Everything did. So we didn't look at the tough stuff. Just being...keeping breathing...I saw her weekly. Sometimes twice a week. I fell hard. After feeling like I was holding my breath... worrying, judging, hating myself... Making it to my appointment felt like coming up for air. ***

Yesterday, I was ready. To look at some of the bigger things. 'Feel sad, angry, hurt, responsible... nothing is off limits', she said. Today, I was trying to do my homework...and i noticed... That I'll allow myself to be angry...to a point. But not so angry that I might consider walking away. I'll allow myself to be sad...to a point. But not so sad that I might become a burden. I'll allow myself to be happy...to a point. But not so happy that I might annoy someone. Too much. Because I'm terrified people will leave. Because loving, is the only thing I don't limit. Yesterday, I panicked. My friend - she knew - she texted me. 'You won't lose me Shayna'. I burst into tears. Grateful. Scared. Because I've heard those words before - held onto them. Even as I watched my people pull away. The people I thought would never leave, left. The people I thought I couldn't live without... And I still love. Hard. With everything I am. I wonder... If I felt all the things, as fiercely as I love - without limits... I wonder...if everyone would leave.

You're a Gift

How many times have you worried about being too much, while simultaneously hoping you were enough? Yeah, me neither. HAHA Forever... I've been willing to give 'all the things' if it meant having someone love me or convincing them to stay. And right now, like the rest of the world, I'm in lockdown. We're okay. Healthy. And like everyone...everything looks different. We're mindful. Not midnight shopping. Little things. Last week, I reached out to a friend...who happens to be a brilliant accountant. Through tears, i leant in. Asking for help. It was honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done. But making that choice, to not hide anymore...was a biggie. Then someone put out the call... for gifts... to say thank you to this beautiful human who'd been working around the clock, to help everyone pivot with Corona. Collection was the following day. Andy had work. I don't drive. I knew I would have the babies. I couldn't go anywhere and honestly, didn't really have the extra funds to go shopping. I cried. My mind ran with what might happen if there was nothing from me in that basket. Then I had an idea. It made my heart swell. A book. A beautiful book...that I was given to me by a beautiful friend...that had helped me through so many challenging moments. I wanted to pass it on. A little piece of me - a little piece of sunshine. I raced up to my office to get it. I wrapped it up with a piece of my rose quartz. My favourite crystal. Brown paper. Gold string. And then I panicked. That it was lame. That if I couldn't buy something, I shouldn't bother. Ashamed. There were things from my childhood. Silly. Old stuff. Crying again... I reached out to a friend. Someone that knew her. I asked if she thought it was okay. It was okay. I knew she would like it. It felt the way I needed it to. I knew she would see that. I knew she would see me. It was okay. I was okay. I was enough. Always enough. ***

You're always enough. You're a gift. Even without all the things.

Literally ALL the things

It's funny! I've wanted to do this for long. Properly. And instead...wound up worrying about a name...whether anyone would read it... Basically, trying to polish something that was never going to be perfect. Life. I anticipate my audience being largely, people who know me...but the universe has a way of surprising me, and with everyone self-isolating...you just never know. So let me introduce myself. I'm Shayna. I'm a wife. To a beautiful man, who loves me to the moon. When we met, he had blue hair, and the ugliest hat I think anyone ever thought would be a good idea...but he goes alright. He makes a mean cup of tea. He's my steady hand whenever I wobble. He's also the most amazing dad. Which brings me to... I'm a mum. To two of the most life-changing little people. Oli man, who is almost 3 (whaaattt?!) and Luna bug, who burst into our world, rather dramatically, just over a year ago. I love them. More than I ever thought I could love anyone. Every day, they make me smile... and that, is not something I will ever take for granted. I'm happy. Last year, I unwrapped a leather journal from 2 beautiful friends - embossed with, 'she is sunshine'. A reminder. I've endured my fair share of darkness. 5 years ago my little sister took her own life. It was the first funeral I'd ever been to. I wound up in hospital, a risk to myself. I didn't think I'd ever be that person. I'd lost 60kg. Proud. Began gaining it all back. Ashamed. Medical leave turned into my resigning from my job as a high school teacher. I tried so many times to go back. And just couldn't. Then one day I accepted that I wouldn't. And started choosing. We sold our house and moved. To the place that makes our heart happy. We found people. Lost people. Over and over. I began to question the things that I know. That we are good. Kind. Worthy. These last 6 months have been life changing in the bumpiest way. But we came together. Our little family. Stronger. Good. Kind. Worthy. Enough. Our people will find us. They will see us. And we will love them hard. No matter what, we've never closed our hearts. I'm proud of that. I think if I were going to join the marvel squad, I'd be the vulnerable vixen. I don't have my shit together. I literally share ALL the things. I love BIG! I fall hard. But I'm honest...and if my little wobbles can contribute to one other person, knowing that they are not alone, I will push through my doubts of being too much and be.all.the.things. because WELL! I am. For a lot of people... and that's okay. After posting a very unflattering video of my hubby, my beautiful babes and I working out...I messaged my friend about my almost deleting it - Worried it was just 'too embarrassing'. She said, 'the more willing you are to be embarrassing, the more you'll inspire everyone.' So I'm here. Willing. To be real. Embarrassing. Wobbly. Happy. Grateful. All the things.

Photo by OhTilly